Emergency Bulletin: I watched Deal or No Deal Island

I'm sorry, I just had to tell you about it. It couldn't wait.

I can’t quite explain what possessed me to watch Deal or No Deal Island. Maybe it’s that I had recently finished Ted Lasso, and the newest episode of Vanderpump Rules wouldn’t be available for streaming until the next day. Maybe I was stoned on a Tuesday and needed the TV equivalent of alternating fistfuls of Froot Loops and Doritos. Whatever moved me to hit play, I’m glad it did. 

I knew very little about this show going in. I was of course familiar with traditional Deal or No Deal and had even played the arcade version once at Chuck E Cheese’s. I always thought the show stretched the games out way too much, but this new version seemed to be some sort of godless crossover with Survivor, which I thought might improve things. I had 43 minutes to spare, and if you do too, here’s what you can expect: 

In this version, the banker has become God. This is his island. We are playing his games. He is waiting in a helicopter on a poorly CGI’ed superyacht just off the shores of Deal Or No Deal Island.

From the beginning of the first episode, it’s very clear that you’re going to be a different person by the end of this. We’ve got a Disney World princess. We’ve got a guy who cries multiple times in episode one. We’ve got a man with a terrible speech impediment who looks like he wandered off a casting call for the new Young Sheldon. My fellow patriots, we’ve got Survivor’s Boston Rob. And perhaps my favorite, we’ve got a former case model from the original version of the show who claims it’s on her bucket list to play Deal or No Deal. Someone should have told her about the game they have at Chuck E. Cheese’s. 

These poor 13 contestants are brought to a private island owned by “the banker,” the shadowy figure who controls the deals, just like the original show. Only in this version, the banker has become God. This is his island. We are playing his games. He is waiting in a helicopter on a poorly CGI’ed superyacht just off the shores of Deal Or No Deal Island. He is calling the host—not Howie Mandell—on an iPhone that I’m guessing is just that guy’s personal phone. But before that, it’s time for the Survivor element: a big physical challenge. 

One person must play an extraordinary game of Deal or No Deal to prevent them from being sent home. It is very much giving the energy of “the camp is being shut down…unless we can put on the best darn talent show there ever was!”

For the first challenge of the season, it’s like I took Nyquil and fell asleep watching the Game Show Network and this is the dream my brain came up with: everyone is going to have to run through an enormous mud pit to collect a briefcase, and whoever has the lowest briefcase is up for elimination. Makes about as much sense as I expect anything will on this show. 

Everyone is fumbling through the mud, each one driven by their why: a father with Parkinson’s. A wife and kid at home. The 62 year old woman who has recently been laid off is in very, very last and has to be literally pulled through the mud to the finish line. And then, the unthinkable happens. The banker calls the host with a twist: he says that there is a $10,000 bonus for anyone willing to crawl back through the mud and trade their case for one of the mystery cases. And…the 62 year old woman does it. She gets back in there, moving at a glacial pace, right after she was practically rescued from the mud. It takes just as long if not longer than her first attempt through the pit. At home, I wonder if I am watching torture. I wonder how I got here. 

Finally, contestants line up with their cases, and they open them one by one, revealing who has the lowest amount of money. Just when I think the episode is wrapping up, I receive a bit of bad news. If I thought they stretched out a single game of Deal or No Deal too long in the original, I am going to HATE Deal or No Deal Island, the show where they’ve actually extended the game to be twice as long. There’s a brief moment at camp—which is more of a glamping situation—before we arrive at what should essentially be elimination, but is much, much longer. One person must play an extraordinary game of Deal or No Deal to prevent them from being sent home. It is very much giving the energy of “the camp is being shut down…unless we can put on the best darn talent show there ever was!” If you make a “bad deal,” you’re eliminated. If you make a “good deal,” you live to see another day here on Deal or No Deal Island—and you get to send home literally whoever you want. No voting. It’s just one person’s call, a power they’ve earned through their exceptional gameplay. 

Friends, I don’t know what to tell you other than this is real, not a show made up for an episode of 30 Rock, and it is available to stream right now. It is not good. It makes no sense. And I will be watching it again tonight.